In Pain's Wake
by lawless priest
Summary: Something terrible happens to Asuka, leaving Shinji angry and confused. As he confronts his feelings he is led down a path of vengeance, with no redemption in sight. Rated for violence.
1. a reason to kill

summary

Something terrible happens Asuka, leaving Shinji angry and confused. As he confronts his feelings he is led down a path of vengeance, with no redemption in sight.

/In Pain's Wake/

- lawless priest -

01- A reason to kill

She lay there bleeding form numerous cuts and bruises. Her eyes were heavy with tears and the black beneath them were testimony to that pain she must have been in. But to me the look in her eyes hurt the most. They were empty, those once clear blue orbs that once held such depth and awareness, also full of confidence and assurance, now remained blank as if the soul that once filled them lay vacant.

"Shinji...?"

Her voice was weak, I barely heard her. If it wasn't for the fact that I was on my knees holding her head with tears falling down my face I probably wouldn't have.

"Shinji... please."

I could her the pleading tone in her voice. It was something that I never thought I would hear from her lips, except in my dreams, but this, this was a nightmare.

"I'm here Asuka. I'm here. Don't worry, everything will be fine." she didn't respond, I wondered if she even heard me.

"Don't leave me... please, don't leave." her whispered sob nearly broke my heart.

She was asking me for help. But the coward in me kept calling. What could I do. I didn't know what to say. I so, wanted to comfort her, but how? How, could I, Spineless Shinji Baka Ikari, do anything to help anybody. I couldn't even help myself

'You can't just leave her' a voice inside my head said.

'But what can I do? I tried before after the 15th, but..'

'DON'T wimp out on this! She needs you!' Look at her, she's helpless and she needs you to be there, so just do it.'

'but...?'

'But what?'

'What will it change?'

'Nothing... Everything... who knows, but you won't know unless you try.'

"I... I... want to... but... she needs me. I have to... I can... I can."

Looking down at her, at her fiery red hair in disarray, all mattered to her face by her blood and sweat. I couldn't leave her. I couldn't.

"I-I won't, don't worry, Asuka, I'm here... for you." She didn't respond, but her breathing slowed to a normal rate and she closed her eyes, her body relaxing.

Just then the Section - 2 guards that were assigned to watch her came in. They had already reported the situation to Misato and soon the ambulance would be here. The damage had already been done, her body would heal, but the wounds to her soul where another problem.

/IPW/

"How is she."

I looked up from my sentry position by her hospital bed.

"She's sleeping better now, but truthfully I don't know Misato."

The Major was looking more than a bit haggard herself. I didn't even consider how I must have looked. Asuka's blood was still stained on my clothes from before. I had never thought to change, mainly because it would have required me to leave her side and I couldn't do that. More likely I didn't have the energy.

It seemed impossible for her to look so peaceful now after what she had just been through.

"Who did this to her?"

My voice was even, but by her little start I must have surprised her. Not hard too do with such a mournful mood about the quite room.

"I don't know yet. Section - 2 is on it. They'll contact me when they find them." Misato paused, her face warring between worry and fury. It took awhile for her to gather herself, but eventually, "I would ask her, but..." she trailed off. I understood her reluctance. She didn't need to be reminded so soon, but they would have to ask her. Only Asuka could tell us what happened.

"Will you let me know when they find them Misato?"

My guardian/surrogate mother/commanding officer, looked at me briefly, weighing my words, trying to gauge their meaning. "I... don't see why not." she answered slowly, not sure if it was a good idea.

I knew if she knew my true motive she would have refused immediately, but I had to chance it. If I was going to proceed with my plan I would need to act before everyone had a chance to interfere.

Something the Section - 2 guards had said when they were loading Asuka into the ambulance replayed itself to him.

"_Can't believe something like this happened on our watch." _the first guard said._ "Doesn't matter," _the second answered_ "when we find the punks we'll set it strait. We'll show them the justice they deserve."_

"_We'll show them justice" _

/IPW/

Those words played over and over in my head. Misato had long since left and I was alone in the room except for the young women in the hospital bed.

"Don't worry Asuka," I whispered. "I'll fix this, somehow. I swear it."


	2. searching for understanding

/In Pain's Wake/

- lawless priest -

02 - searching for understanding

Rei's red eyed gaze was unnerving, making me fidget in my chair in the hospital's waiting room. I had came here to clear my head after the doctors had sent me away, saying that Asuka needed her rest. Any thoughts of a respite were kicked out of my head swiftly by Rei's arrival. Her incise questioning had me off balanced, but my mind was too tired to care.

The fact that see even took the time to ask didn't help either. I wouldn't go so far as to say she cared, maybe the old Rei, but not this one. She seemed to have reverted back to how she was before as if we had never met. Truthfully, I doubted that she 'could' care. For the most part, she seemed to be motivated by curiosity if anything? But I didn't have time to deal with that, though. Not now.

Dr. Akagi had wanted to talk to me about something. She said it something about Rei's origin, but before I could get to the Geofont, there was Asuka, lying in front of the apartment, her clothes in tatters, with her blood soaked into them.

"You wish to comfort her." Rei's monotone brought me back and I sighed wearily.

"Yes Ayanami. She's been through a lot, and she needs someone to be there for her."

"Why?" was her response.

I was just thinking about how I had wished someone had been there for me when I needed them. Just someone who could've shown me, despite the pain, that it was going to be alright. How much difference would that have made?

But then again this was not the first time that she had needed me. Visions of the Volcano incident, and the recent angel attacks flashed by. I couldn't before, when that, that.. thing had raped her mind, I didn't have the courage to help her afterwards, and now... this. She had been taken, mind, body and soul. I had to make it up to her somehow. I couldn't, I knew that. There was no way to fill the gaps, but I had to show her that I cared. Even, even if she hated me.

I couldn't help but remember what she said, how she had screamed she hated me, that she hated everyone.

She did hate me. So why did I still fill this way about her? Why was I there, why was trying to help her?

"I, I don't know. I don't alright." I answered, my voice shaking with frustration.

I stood up from my chair, intending to leave, but I never got that far.

"You care for her." It was a statement.

I turned to her, but she wasn't looking at me. She seemed to be almost speaking to herself.

"There is a bond between you two, forged in the pain of the past and your fear of the future. Her grief is evident, yet somehow I envy her?"

For a moment we just stood there, before she walked off, leaving me there to my thoughts.

I was in shock, That was one of the longest sentences I had ever heard from her. Even if I didn't understand all of what she said, her words hit hard, but I my mind was too worn out to put it all together. And that last part, she had sounded puzzled and I felt the same. She envied Asuka? Why?

It was too much. I had to get away. If I staid, I didn't know what would happened, but I knew I wouldn't be able to take it. Everything from the past few months was weighing down on my head. I needed to find somewhere where I could get away from it all, someplace where I could think, alone.

And with that I left.

/IPW/

I found myself on the beach, it was not where I wanted to go, but it was where I ended up. Rei had almost died here. I had been so sure she was dead, but then I met her in the hospital. That had hurt. I really didn't know who Rei really was anymore, as if I had known before.

My thoughts were getting to chaotic. It was a chore just trying to keep my head clear. Every time I tried to sort things out, my brain threaten to shut down. So with my SDAT player as loud as it would go, I listened to track 26, letting the music just take me along for the ride.

I briefly remember wishing for Mr. Kaji. We hadn't been exactly close, but at least he had listened. Misato wasn't around and Touji and Kensuke fad left some time ago. Only Mr. Kaji seemed to understand. He had been gone for awhile, probably on some business for Father, but deep down I knew that he wasn't coming back. I nearly lost it right then, but someone's voice interrupted my ravings.

"Such sorrow for such a pure soul. My heart weeps for your pain, Shinji Ikari."

Turning to see who had intruded on my dark thoughts, I didn't knew whether to be thankful or annoyed. But these thoughts were quickly forgotten, for the person who had captured my attention left me stunned.

It was a boy about my age, with a think head of unruly gray hair, a handsome, open face and a disarming smile. All of those features would have made him an interesting character, but it was the eyes that held me, that lost me in their gaze.

They were red, red like blood, red like Ayanami's.

"Who are you? And how do you know who I am?" I had been too stunned to say much of anything, let alone anything more complex. My mind just hadn't been working right of late.

"Everyone knows who you are. But to be accurate, my name is Kaoru, Kaoru Nagisa. I am the Fifth Child."


	3. a tortured mind

/In Pain's Wake/

- lawless priest -

03 - a tortured mind

It had been nearly a whole day since I had spoken to anyone, two days since I had meet Kaoru on the beach, and three since I had found her, three faithful days. I never had much to do with faith. Fate, it seemed, had deemed me unworthy of a normal life, and had since blessed me with this tortured hell of existence that I called my own, and with the recent events I had further loss faith in any type of divine superiority, as far as I was concerned they didn't deserve any praise anyway. Fate could burn, I myself was irrelevant, but Rei and Asuka, they were another matter.

Asuka had woken up this morning and I had been by her side. I was afraid to be sure. Courage was not something I had in spades. Fear had that title, but sitting there with her, watching her breathe had been so... so calming. The effect never lasted because I would always remember why she was there. It had been three days and still no one had told me what had happened.

The sight of her beautiful face behind all of those cuts and bruises had brought me down further than I had dreamt possible. Never had I felt so helpless and alone. Not after the fifteenth, nor the sixtieth angels that I had been so sure had taken Rei away, which now, I'm not so sure still hadn't.

But there she had been, the Great Asuka Langley Sohryu, in need of help, lying right in front of me, her body unmoving with silent tears and there wasn't anything I could do to easy her pain. I would have cried, but all I could do was shiver. Seems I wasn't even good enough for tears.

Just when I was about to leave, my hand on the door knob, taking one last quick look, ready to depart to my supposed sanctuary, her weary eyes opened, dead to the world and looked directly at me. The pain evident within them, the mental torture locked within that gaze broke my heart the instant I saw it and her haggard breath and words stomped on the shattered pieces that had been left behind.

"I feel... so cold, so empty."

/IPW/

She had not spoken another word and I had been too afraid to say anything. So of course I did what I usually do, I ran. All the way home I ran. Through early morning traffic and business men alike, I ran. Not caring, not seeing, blinded by pure shame and fear burning in my mind, all the way home.

And look, oh what irony, making it home, locking myself within my sanctuary, earphones on, SDAT in hand and my batteries were dead.

Life... was great.

It was strange really. Two days ago when I talked with Kaoru it was amazing how good I had felt for those few brief moments. All of the past worriers were far, far away and in his presence I could just be me. I don't remember how it happened, but one minute we were talking about music and the next I was telling him my life story, bumps, hills, mountains and all. And he had listened, really listened, seeming the actually care.

That moment had lasted for quite some time before the cruelty of the situation at hand had brought it all down crashing around my head again.

/IPW/

Sitting alone, curled in my room. I couldn't help but contemplate how uselessness and how weak and scared I really was. It was sickening. The facts had been thrown in my face every singly day that I had been here. If only I wasn't such a coward then maybe I could help her, but even then, what could I do?

Nothing. That was the answer.

Just then, I heard the door open, and Misato came in. I didn't know why she was home. It was way to early for work to be over, but it wasn't like I had kept track of the time myself anyway. I could hear voices.

Was that Kaji? It didn't matter, really. It wasn't like it could have been Asuka, so I didn't care. I tried to block them out, but something they said caught my attention.

"The test results came in today." Kaji said, his voice sounded tired, his tone nearly emotionless.

"So, what do they say?" Misato's was just as tired. I could almost see her face, etched in worried, her eyes red with tears and frustration.

There was a slight pause and a clearly audible sigh.

"Apparently she was raped," He said. "multiply times it seems and beaten. The doctors found at least five different semen samples and..."

I didn't hear the rest, I didn't want to hear anymore. I wished I could stop up my ears forever, but it was too late. The words had already wormed their way in and now the scenes themselves were flashing through my head in vivid detail.

I could see her lying there, screaming and crying, men all around her with sinister looks on their faces. The lust in their eyes was obvious. Some drooled and laughed. They knew what they wanted and didn't care how they got it or who the hurt to get it.

And there I stood, standing on the sideline, watching, doing nothing, just standing there, as helpless as I was in the real world. Through it all she had her eyes on me, staring through me, accusing me.

Someone was pulling her hair, the others ripping her close off.

"Why don't you help Shinji... why don't you save me like you always do?"

"Because I'm weak, because... I can't."

They had her skirt down and blouse open, their hands over her breasts.

"You were never there for me, you never cared... you left me just like all the others!"

"I'm sorry, I was scared. I didn't know what to do."

One of them was ramming himself in her, panting as she spoke.

"You just wanted to make me fell useless, just like these men, just like them!"

"I'm sorry. I didn't want you to get hurt."

Another guy was rutting over her now, they were laughing, having a good time.

'"You're no different than Nerv, you wanted to use me for your own perverted schemes!"

"I'm sorry."

"You're no different than the angels, you don't care at all! You the Invincible Shinji Ikari, you never did! You just wanted to show me up!"

"I'm sorry."

I wasn't true, but I couldn't tell her that. I wanted to run but I couldn't turn away. I was useless, spineless and useless and there was nothing I could do about it, nothing I could do to help her.

/IPW/

I lay on my floor in my room curled in a ball with my head down sobbing and crying like the child Asuka had always called me; guess she was right. She had always been right. It didn't matter. I could still see those thoughts as they cleaved a path through my mind. I knew they weren't real, that they never happened, but that was how I felt. I had done nothing to help her. It didn't matter that I wasn't there, that I couldn't have helped either way. It was just like Toji and the 13th angel.

It was my fault she was hurt.

It was my fault Toji was in the hospital missing an arm and a leg.

It was my fault.

It was all my fault.

I wanted to rip my eyes out, do anything, just to get rid of those thoughts, those images. I wanted to get away, I had to get away, but there was nowhere to go. They hurt her and there's nothing I could do. So like before... I did nothing.

I could still hear Misato and Kaji talking. Their voices made there way through the walls and through my hated ears and tortured mind.

"...id you find out who did this? Have you found them Kaji?" hear voice was think with anger.

"No, not yet. I've got Section 2 on it." Her blatant frustration was could be felt through the thin walls. "Do worry Katsuragi, it shouldn't be long before we find justice."

_Justice_.

There was that word again. I had sworn justice the day I found Asuka, but ever since then I've been hard pressed to see any in anything that has happened since I came to Tokyo 3.

_Justice._

It had to be a joke. Yeah, another cruel, sick joke being played upon the world, or more specifically, my life and the lives of those around me. I knew I couldn't find justice. I wasn't strong enough. Not even Kaji was strong enough. There wasn't anyone in this damn city that was strong enough. You'd have to be as powerful as... as...?

"... as Father."


	4. choices

/In Pains Wake/

- lawless priest -

04 - choices

Misato had left with Kaji sometime ago and I was once again left on my own. It's not like it was really any different than before. Even when they were here I was still alone. It was better this way, though. I didn't want to see them and I didn't want to talk. It was time that I needed. Time to think, time to plan, time to... choose.

So I left. I couldn't stay there in that apartment. Every time I closed my eyes those visions of Asuka kept coming back. I had to get out or that place was going swallow me.

Swearing revenge and actually being able to do it are far from simple and even more so for me. Part of my mind kept telling me I was responsible and that I was no different than the ones who hurt Asuka. Another said otherwise. It was the one screaming for revenge.

Revenge... another word that didn't fit in my vocabulary.

Silently I strode down the street, oblivious to my surroundings, contemplating the meaning of the word and how it applied to me.

It was ironic. Here I was walking down a busy afternoon side walk with the sun shinning brightly in stark contrast to the chaos running through my head as I tried to reason out why it was acceptable for me to hurt others because they had harmed someone I cared about.

The guilt was holding me back.

I couldn't do this alone. I could barely make the choice itself. I wanted to hurt them. I wanted to see them suffer, but a part of me cried out against it. I wished that there was someone to talk to.

'Not Kaji, not Misato, they would only get in the way. They would say I was too young, that it was wrong, No, not them.'

'Toji... No! How could I ever speak to Toji again after... after what I did. It was my EVA and it was my fault. No, I could never ask Toji.'

I didn't even consider Rei. Speaking to her was the last thing that I wanted to do. I doubt she'd understand anyway.

'Sigh'

"What am I going to do. Every time I say I'll do it, the guilt comes back. I'm just too weak."

I think it was then that I noticed that I had stopped, and with that, the realization of where I had ended up stopped all thought. The hospital... Asuka.

/IPW/

She hadn't changed. If anything, she looked weaker than before. The view through the glass was poor but I didn't question it. One of the nurses had told me that she was awake, but she had not said one word since. That was a lie, they just weren't around to here it.

'Why am I here again? It's not like it had helped any last time. Did she even recognize me? Not likely. So why am I here?'

I don't know how long I stood there in front of her door. It must have been awhile. The doctors and nurses that passed by all gave me weird looks, but I didn't notice and probably wouldn't have cared either way. I wouldn't have been surprised if rust had started to form on metal of the doorknob. Sometimes, I can just get lost in things, especially when there was a choice involved.

'Asuka.'

I took that step.

Nothing changed when I came in. Nothing happened. Nothing happened at all. She didn't even look up.

"Asuka? I..." Couldn't finish. I really didn't know what to say. What could I? What would have changed if I did? I felt useless again, just standing there, head down, fist clenched into a tight ball.

Seconds passed, minutes, for too many to count. I had nowhere to go, nothing to do. Why leave? Why stay? Nothing mattered. That was probably how it started, why I did what I did. One minute I was standing there at a lost as to... everything, and the next I was in a seat, pulled up close to the side of her bed and spilling my guts.

I told her everything, from finding her that night, listening to what the Section 2 agents had said, to my vow that night. I told her about Kaoru and what happened with Dr. Akagi and the Rei clones. I told her about Misato crying every night and Kaji and his people looking for the ones responsible. Within the space of half an hour I told her everything, even the visions I had had and how I felt. My anger, my frustration, how useless I felt and how guilty I was that I couldn't have been there for her.

Of course I cried during all of this, just like the weak little boy she had always accused me of being. Ok, I didn't cry, I balled. The faucets had opened and the damn broke free. Through it all, she said nothing. Like the nurse said, not one word. It didn't matter. I didn't care. I barely had the strength required to breath let alone care whether or not Asuka had actually heard a damn thing I had said. It was just like her. I could pour out my soul and she wouldn't even listen even if I had shouted.

'Sigh...'

There was a pause, a long one. Finally my little emotional torrent had ended and I took this time to reclaim what my lungs had lost and salvage what little dignity I had left. Even if I was the only witness, the experience had been as embarrassing as it had been draining.

Standing up to leave, I felt an almost overwhelming sense of deja vu. I half expected her to tell me that she felt cold or empty, But no, she had something else to say.

I didn't get one step away from the bed before the red head had grabbed my arm like some kind of zombie in one of those pre-Second Impact films. You know the one, where the hero sees the dead creature and turns his back on it, then out of no where it snatches him back, effectively scaring the crap out of everyone in the theater. Yeah, this was one of those moments, except I'm not the hero and the zombie happened to be one of my teammates.

To say that I was afraid would have been a severe understatement. 'She's probably going to kick my ass for wasting her time and crying all in her room.' Secretly I was hoping she would. To see that spark back in her eyes I would have given anything, even myself. I couldn't stand being alone anymore. All of the problems and hurtful thoughts came back when no one was around. I couldn't hide from them in the dark.

In the darkness they come without mercy, pity or any sense of compassion. All of my failures and faults, all of the pain and hopelessness find me and there's nothing to stop the spiral down.

'Whatever she wants, I don't care, she can have it as long I'm not alone again.'

"You.. care?" The words confused me and I stood there unmoving for a moment.

Again with a voice strained with unshed tears that would never come, she asked me, "You care about me?"

"Of course Asuka, why wouldn't I. You're smart, strong, and beautiful. You're everything I'm not, everything I want to be. You're... you're my friend."

She did nothing to acknowledge the fact that she had heard me, which was starting to make me nervous.

"Are you lying? Do you just want to use me and leave me like papa, and mama?"

"No! I would never leave you Asuka! I'm not like that!" 'Did she really just ask me that?'

"Then do it."

"Do what?" I had no clue what she was talking about.

"Give me my justice. Avenge me, save me like you always do, Shinji. You're the only one who can, the only one who cares."

There was silence after that, but all I remember was that I was just standing there stunned. She sounded as if she were already dead. 'Avenge her? Give her, her justice. Could I really do it? Could I really pay them back?'

For a long time I stood there looking her in her eyes, trying to find the strength to go on, like I used to do so long ago. 'Yes, I can do this. I can do this for her. Only for her.'

"I will do it." my voice was barely above a whisper, but it rose and my conviction and determination with it. "I will do this for you. I won't fail you again Asuka." With my fists clenched tight, I gave her a determined yet sad nod.

"That's my Baka Shinji. Always saving the day." her voice was still week, and tired. You could hear the strain it took for her just to say those words. Yet all the same, there was a hint, just a hint of determination within those soft spoken words. It was nothing like it's previous fire, but compared to how it had been in the past few days, the past few weeks, it was something indeed.

"I'll finish this Asuka. I promise you." And with that, my little speech done, I left in search of father.

/IPW/

I thought to find him at the usually place, but that was not to be. The guards outside his office had said that he had left some time ago. They never said where to, though. So I wandered the catacombs of halls that was Nerv HQ. Father would eventually return to his office, to that room that sucked that the life out of everyone who entered it. He always did. It was where he belonged. Demons needed there lairs. They found comfort in the dark. I knew from experience. I met them every night in my room with only my SDAT player to fight them off.

My brief bravado was quickly fading, yet I was still committed to my mission. It was my mission, my purpose. It wasn't like EVA, which only gave me pain. No, this was personal, it held more value and the key to my happiness. No, I won't say happiness. I doubt I will ever be happy, but it did hold the key to my sanity. That was clear enough.

It was around then that I noticed where I had ended up, my aimless wandering cut short. I was in the EVA cages and standing before me was Unit 01.

"Mother..."

"Yes, Yui." Startled slightly by the sound, I turned toward it and was meet with a surprise. A little further down from where I stood with his hands clasped behind his back and those damn shades of his fixed on the purple behemoth before him, stood the devil himself.

"Father.."

The old hate came back strong, but I forced it away. I would need all of the anger I could get for later. I needed to be calm for this.

There was an uncomfortable silence, or to me it was uncomfortable. No doubt he didn't care. I hadn't really planed this far ahead. Just more stuck on the fact that I was coming to him for help. I mean, he was a cold hearted bastard. If anybody knew how to help me get my revenge it would be him. He probably did stuff like this all the time.

Finally I got tired of the silence.

"Father I... I need your help." Besides the rocky start the rest all came out in a rush.

"I don't have ti..."

"I need help getting revenge." I cut in not letting him finish. This got his attention, not just what I said, I had interrupted him. No one did that to the Supreme Commander of Nerv. Nobody... who lived.

Once again there was silence, which was starting to irritate me. Opening my month to repeat what I had said, he began before the first words had come out.

"The Second Child." It was more of a statement rather than a question, but I nodded anyway.

"I know you can find them, they have to pay for what they did. I won't let them get away with it."

"They will be turned over to the authorities." he said simply in that dead tone of his.

"We are the authorities." I stated in the same tone. There was no answer, except his smirk, a very satisfied smirk, which was hidden by the shadows cast by Unit 01. It was fitting. I briefly wondered if she would approve, but I didn't ask. I really didn't want to know.

/In Pains Wake/

- lawless priest -

05 - Justice

Rain fell heavy on the deserted streets of Tokyo 3, clouding the world in a dreary gray mist. It was fitting. I would have smiled, but that would have been inappropriate, and it probably would have made me look like some sick fiend, especially with what was about to go down. So I didn't, but frankly I really wasn't in the mood for smiling anyway.

Footsteps sounded behind me, signaling the other's arrival. I didn't turn to look, I knew who it would be.

"Is it time?" I simply asked.

"Yes, Section - 2 has them and is awaiting us."

"I didn't expect you to come."

"She is an employee of Nerv, and a pilot at that."

"Is that the only reason?"

"No, there are things... people should not have to go through."

I looked over my shoulder with a grim smile, "Keep talking like that and you'll lose that 'Most well respected Bastard' title of yours.

He gave a even grimmer smile, with not a small amount of malice behind it. "When this is over, there won't be any doubt towards my title." and with that, he briskly walked away. His remark wiped my smile away. He was right and I knew it, but I'd be getting a title as well when this was over, but I didn't care. This moment was already decided the moment I found Asuka bleeding and bruised.

Wasting no time, I followed my father, the Commander of Nerv for the first time in my life, fully in agreement.

/IPW/

To say that the cells within the Geo-Front were dark was a serious understatement. I knew from experience how it felt to be stuck down in one of those dank featureless, desolate holes. So I knew how the kid in front of me felt. I say kid because he was just that, a kid, but it didn't bother me. He gave up those moral protectors like rights and innocence the moment him and his friends laid a hand on her.

Not a word had been said during the walk here, everyone involved was either too lost in their brooding or were just following orders. I did note that a few of the guards from before were present, the ones who had came when I found Asuka. Their faces were blank, but the moment we had the cell opened, I didn't miss the content look of approval on there faces.

Stepping into the room I noticed that I was serenely calm, as if this was some normal occasion. I was a little disturbed, but one look at the one in front of me pushed away any sense of doubt. I would finish this, I would make things right, just as I promised Asuka.

_Justice._

I would show them justice and righteous fury as well.

Looking him over, I was quick to note his state, the bruises weren't all that hard to miss. Apparently Section 2 had shown him and his friends their disapproval on the ride over. It didn't matter. I walked up to him slowly, but with purpose. If it wasn't for his pathetic state you could say he was a handsome boy, a little older than me, probably in High School. He must have had gotten a lot of attention, maybe one of the popular kids with lots of friends. His defiant stare gave me the impression that he obviously thought highly of himself and almost certainly thought that he would be set free and that he would have our asses soon.

"Tetsuya Watanabe?" the guard called out.

"Yeah, I'm Tetsuya Watanabe ..." He was about to say more, but the guard interrupted him.

"Son of Takehito Watanabe of the Nippon Media Industries?"

"Yes, that's my father. You ignorant punks had better let me outta here.

I blocked out his rants. Months living with Asuka had helped me perfect that particular skill. A rich punk, fitting. He must have thought that he could get away with anything. He was so wrong, so wrong.

"Do you know why you're here." that was my father's deadpan voice cutting into his tirade. The boy looked a little frighten for a moment, my father voice could do that to people, but the instant passed and he shouted his ignorance.

"Some time ago you and your friends met a young girl, a young girl under Nerv's employment and protection. It was rather foolish of you to leave your 'spendings' on her person, and the fact that you didn't use any contraceptives, tracking you all down was fairly easy."

All the while he talked I watched the proud fool revert to a scared boy almost instantly and his reaction to hearing that she worked for Nerv was priceless. His eyes looked ready to bulge out of his head.

My father, Gendo Ikari, the Supreme Commander of Nerv's cold piercing stare left him frozen in terror. It must have dawned on him that this was beyond his father's sphere of influence and that he was in some serious shit.

Finally my father looked to me and with a stiff nod, and I stepped forward again. I don't know what the kid saw when he glanced at me, but his old haughty glare was replaced by one of confusion, and dread. Up until then I had kept a blank face, almost reminisce of the Commanders usual expression, but now all of the fury and the anguish from before, sitting beside Asuka's bed as she cried, knowing there was nothing I could do to stop the terrible sobs coming from her tortured throat. The feelings of hatred and disgust were almost blinding and it most have been written on my face, for the fool in front of me scrambled back as if scolded by intense flames.

He looked from me to the guards and back again, a pleading look in his eyes, as if asking them to do something, that he didn't deserve this, to do anything to him, just get me away from him. But they stood stoic and I advanced further, my hands clenching and unclenching at my sides.

Here was the moment, here was my enemy, now was the time and without preamble I begin to wail on him. To be clear, this wasn't like your typical fight by any means. I didn't give him a chance to act at all, blow after blow fell connecting with feral accuracy. I didn't swing blindly, ever blow was well placed, with the exception of the few that he managed to block. I aimed for the head, wanting to beat it into a senseless mass of pulp, pulverizing his nose and ears. When he began to blocked those I moved to his chest and stomach. Kicks to his shins and knee caps distracted him allowing access to his head again and I took the opportunity without hesitation.

His cries and whimpers went unnoticed by me for the most part, only when I hit something that seemed to make him scream out louder did I become aware. One such area was his groin. I am not a violent or cruel person by any means, so the thought of hitting anyone there never crossed my mind, but after months of fighting the angels and facing death so many times, attacking my opponent and hurting them was the only thing that appealed to me. Where I hit them didn't fit into the equation anymore, only that they bled, and he did.

I lost count of how many times I kicked him there, or anywhere for that matter, only the fact that he was still breathing kept me going.

He had to suffer, I would make him suffer for all of the pain that he had caused, all of the agony that he had put her through, all of the wounds that I couldn't fix, that the doctors couldn't heal, I would return to him ten fold.

"That's enough."

Those simple words cut through my blood lust like Asuka's sobs had cut through my heart. I stood, numb to what had transpired, my hand raised in the air, ready to fall on his unprotected face, my mind empty and disquietly peaceful. Turning to the others, my clothes soaked in blood, I must have been some site.

I said nothing as I stood. Not bothering to wipe off the blood, there was too much anyway, I walked out of the cell. The guards didn't look at me and I didn't look at them.

"Come."

That was all my father said as he lead our little trope towards the next victim. No, they weren't victims. They were scum, a cancerous disease and I was here to explain that to them, in detail.

And I did, repeatedly.

The others fell to similar circumstances as their previous comrade had. All of their high blown egos shattered by my fists and scattered by my kicks. Their torture only ending with my father's voice.

In the end they were left in their pitiful states, battered and broken, much like Asuka had been. I had to close my eyes as I was assaulted by images or her rape. I kick out at the last fool to block it out. His cry brought me back. Much of what happened next became a blur. I remember father telling me to come and I did. Somehow I ended up in some room while my wounds were tended to. Apparently I had broken a few fingers against their faces and in my blind rage I hadn't noticed. Some of my ribs were broken and there were cuts and bruises all over my body. Blood coated everything. My once white shirt was far from white now.

Not all of those scum had gone down easily, but down they had gone. They may have been angry at me for attacking them, but they had nothing on the passionate ferocity that burned in me at the site of them.

Truthfully, I didn't care about wounds. I knew it wasn't over. They were still alive and would be for sometime. Their suffering couldn't end that quickly. No, they had to suffer far more than just a mere physical beating and they would. But not now. I had to go see Asuka.

/IPW/

Section 2 dropped me off at the hospital and I made it up to her hospital room. I'd soon be in one of my own, but I had insisted on seeing her first. The guards understood and obliged.

It had been sometime since she had told me to avenge her and I had returned many times to inform her of my progress. Every time I came, even if it had nothing to do with my vow, I could see the life returning in her eyes, especially when I was giving her one of my progress reports.

I spent much of my time in her room or talking to Kaoru. I didn't tell him about my vow, everything else yes, but not that. That was only between me and Asuka. Even so, the white haired pilot and I were fast becoming friends. It was strange that I could actually be... not actually happy when I was with him, but certainly better than I had been. Kaoru's smile and charm could not chase away all of the old demons, but he did help push them away.

"You look like shit."

Asuka greeted me with a smile. I couldn't help but smile back or try. It hurt too much really. Non-the-less I was glad that she was doing well. She wasn't exactly as she used to be and I don't think she'd ever be. Things like this changed people and it changed Asuka. I just hoped it was for the better.

"Maybe, You weren't looking so good yourself not so long ago."

"Whatever, it's this hospital food. It's no better than Misato's. I swear I can't wait to get back home and have a real meal."

"So, you like my cooking?" the question was asked innocently. No ulterior motive evident.

"Like I'm really going to answer that." The German girl responded, but I saw the look in her eyes, bringing on another smile.

We didn't say anything for awhile. I sat in the chair by her bed much like before and we looked at anything but each other. Eventually she asked the question.

"So... how did it go?"

"It... it went well." How was I supposed to answer that. I'm not my father, I'm not used to this kind of thing. "They are still alive." I said.

She looked up at me confused for a second, then angry. All she asked was "Why?"

"When my hands heal up, I'm going back again."

Asuka didn't say anything after that for a long time. "Are you, I mean are they going to... torture them."

"Probably. Father said he'd tell, me. There are some other things, but..." I cut myself off. She didn't need to know those things. Asuka may have been mad, but she's not sadistic. She didn't need to here what else father and I had planed.

I could tell she knew there was something more, but she didn't ask and I wasn't going to tell. "Let's just say that, it isn't over."

"What isn't over?" I didn't even hear anyone come in the room, but there stood Misato in the entry way. Her face was full of confusion, but all of that disappeared when she saw me. "Oh, my god. Shinji!"

She all but crushed me to her, my ribs cried out in torture.

"You're going to kill him if you don't stop Misato!"

The lavender haired released me, only to immediately thrown a barrage of questions my way. "Shinji are you alright? Where have you been? What happened to you? Do I need to call a doctor? Oh, god, Shinji, don't you leave me too!"

"I'm fine Misato. I... I just got in a fight on the way over." I looked at her, she seemed to be on the brink of tears. 'She really cares. I thought... I thought she was just doing her job, but she really cares.'

"Oh, Shinji, Asuka. I've been so scared for you too. I don't want to lose you two. You're like the children I've never had." My commanding officer and guardian said all of this, sobbing the whole way. Asuka and I just looked at each other with similar stunned expressions on our faces. We never knew how she really felt. No one in our little dysfunction family really know how to express their feelings. It was no wonder why we got along so well, while others just looked on us as if we were crazy just to stay around each other. We were all the same; lonely, needy and afraid, afraid of ourselves and the past, but at that moment, none of us cared.


	5. justice

  
/In Pains Wake/   
- lawless priest -  
  
05 - Justice  
  
Rain fell heavy on the deserted streets of Tokyo 3, clouding the world in a dreary gray mist. It was fitting. I would have smiled, but that would have been inappropriate, and it probably would have made me look like some sick fiend, especially with what was about to go down. So I didn't, but frankly I really wasn't in the mood for smiling anyway.  
  
Footsteps sounded behind me, signaling the other's arrival. I didn't turn to look, I knew who it would be.  
  
"Is it time?" I simply asked.  
  
"Yes, Section - 2 has them and is awaiting us."  
  
"I didn't expect you to come."  
  
"She is an employee of Nerv, and a pilot at that."  
  
"Is that the only reason?"  
  
"No, there are... people should not have to go through."  
  
I looked over my shoulder with a grim smile, "Keep talking like that and you'll lose that "Most well respected Bastard" title of yours.  
  
He gave a even grimmer smile, with not a small amount of malice behind it. "When this is over, there won't be any doubt towards my title." and with that, he briskly walked away. His remark wiped my smile away. He was right and I knew it, but I'd be getting a title as well when this was over, but I didn't care. This moment was already decided the moment I found Asuka bleeding and bruised.  
  
Wasting no time, I followed my father, the Commander of Nerv for the first time in my life, fully in agreement.  
  
-  
  
/IPW/  
  
-  
  
To say that the cells within the Geo-Front were dark was a serious understatement. I knew from experience how it felt to be stuck down in one of those dank featureless, desolate holes. So I knew how the kid in front of me felt. I say kid because he was just that, a kid, but it didn't bother me. He gave up those moral protectors like rights and innocence the moment him and his friends laid a hand on her.  
  
Not a word had been said during the walk here, everyone involved was either too lost in their brooding or were just following orders. I did note that a few of the guards from before were present, the ones who had came when I found Asuka. Their faces were blank, but the moment we had the cell opened, I didn't miss the content look of approval on there faces.  
  
Stepping into the room I noticed that I was serenely calm as if this was some normal occasion. I was a little disturbed, but one look at the one in front of me pushed away any sense of doubt. I would finish this, I would make things right. Justice I would show them justice, and righteous fury as well.  
  
Looking him over, I was quick to note his state, the bruises weren't all that hard to miss. Apparently Section 2 had shown him and his friends their disapproval on the ride over. It didn't matter. I walked up to him slowly, but with purpose. If it wasn't for his pathetic state you could say he was a handsome boy, a little older than me, probably in High School. He must have had gotten a lot of attention, maybe one of the popular kids with lots of friends. His defiant stare gave me the impression that he obviously thought highly of himself and almost certainly thought that he would be set free and that he would have our asses.  
  
"Tetsuya Watanabe?" the guard called out.  
  
"Yeah, I'm Tetsuya Watanabe ..." He was about to say more, but the guard interrupted him.  
  
"Son of Takehito Watanabe of the Nippon Media Industries?"  
  
"Yes, that's my father. You ignorant punks had better let me outta here.  
  
I blocked out his rants. Months living with Asuka had helped me perfect that particular skill. A rich punk, fitting. He must have thought that he could get away with anything. He was so wrong, so wrong.  
  
"Do you know why you're here." that was my father's deadpan voice cutting into his tirade. The boy looked a little frighten for a moment, my father voice can do that to people, but the instant passed and he shouted his ignorance.  
  
"Some time ago you and your friends met a young girl, a young girl under Nerv's employment and protection. It was rather foolish of you to leave your 'spendings' on her person, and the fact that you didn't use any contraceptives, tracking you all down was fairly easy."  
  
All the while he talked I watched the proud fool revert to a scared boy almost instantly and his reaction to hearing that she worked for Nerv was priceless. His eyes looked ready to bulge out of his head.  
  
My father, Gendo Ikari, the Supreme Commander of Nerv's cold piercing stare left him frozen in terror. It must have dawned on him that this was beyond his father's sphere of influence and that he was in some serious shit.  
  
Finally my father looked to me and with a stiff nod, and I stepped forward again. I don't know what the kid saw when he glanced at me, but his old haughty glare was replaced by one of confusion, and dread. Up until then I had kept a blank face, almost reminisce of the Commanders usual expression, but now all of the fury and the anguish from before, sitting beside Asuka's bed as she cried, knowing there was nothing I could do to stop the terrible sobs coming from her tortured throat. The feelings of hatred and disgust were almost blinding and it most have been written on my face, for the fool in front of me scrambled back as if scolded by intense flames.  
  
He looked from me to the guards and back again, a pleading look in his eyes, as if asking them to do something, that he didn't deserve this, to do anything to him, just get me away from him. But they stood stoic and I advanced further, my hands clenching and unclenching at my sides.  
  
Here was the moment, here was my enemy, now was the time and without preamble I begin to wail on him. To be clear, this wasn't like your typical fight by any means. I didn't give him a chance to act at all, blow after blow fell connecting with feral accuracy. I didn't swing blindly, ever blow was well placed, with the exception of the few that he managed to block. I aimed for the head, wanted to beat it into a senseless mass of pulp, pulverizing his nose and ears. When he began to blocked those I moved to his chest and stomach. Kicks to his shins and knee caps distracted him allowing access to his head again and I took it with out hesitation.  
  
His cries and whimpers went unnoticed by me for the most part, only when I hit something that seemed to make him scream out louder did I become aware. One such area was his groin. I am not a violent or cruel person by any means, so the thought of hitting anyone there never crossed my mind, but after months of fighting the angels and facing death so many times, attacking my opponent and hurting them was the only thing that appealed to me. Where I hit them didn't fit into the equation anymore, only that they bled, and he did.  
  
I lost count of how many times I kicked him there, or anywhere for that matter, only the fact that he was still breathing kept me going.  
  
He had to suffer, I would make him suffer for all of the pain that he had caused, all of the agony that he had put her through, all of the wounds that I couldn't fix, that the doctors couldn't heal, I would return to him ten fold.  
  
"That's enough."  
  
Those simple words cut through my blood lust like Asuka's sobs had cut through my heart. I stood, numb to what had transpired, my hand raised in the air, ready to fall on his unprotected face, my mind empty and disquietly peaceful. Turning to the others, my clothes soaked in blood, I must have been some site.  
  
I said nothing as I stood. Not bothering to wipe of the blood, there was too much anyway, I walked out of the cell. The guards didn't look at me and I didn't look at them.  
  
"Come." That was all my father said as he lead our little trope towards the next victim. No, they weren't victims. They were scum and I was here to explain that to them, in detail. And I did.  
  
The others fell to similar circumstances as their previous comrade had. All of their high blown egos shattered by my fists and scattered by my kicks. Their torture only ending with my father's voice.  
  
In the end they were left in their pitiful states, battered and broken, much like Asuka had been. I had to close my eyes as I was assaulted by images or her rape. I kick out at the last fool to block it out. His cry brought me back. Much of what happened next became a blur. I remember father telling me to come and I did. Somehow I ended up in some room while my wounds were tended to. Apparently I had broken a few fingers against their faces and in my blind rage I hadn't noticed. Some of my ribs were broken and there were cuts and bruises all over my body. Blood coated everything. My once white shirt was far from white now.  
  
Not all of those scum had gone down easily, but down they had gone. They may have been angry at me for attacking them, but they had nothing on the passionate ferocity that burned in me at the site of them.  
  
Truthfully, I didn't care about wounds. I knew it wasn't over. They were still alive and would be for sometime. Their suffering couldn't end that quickly. No, they had to suffer far more than just a mere physical beating and they would. But not now. I had to go see Asuka.  
  
Section 2 dropped me off at the hospital and I made it up to her room. I'd soon be in one of my own, but I had insisted on seeing her first. The guards understood and obliged.  
  
It had been sometime since she had told me to avenge her and I had returned many times to inform her of my progress. Every time I came, even if it had nothing to do with my vow, I could see the life returning in her eyes, especially when I was giving her one of my progress reports.  
  
I spent much of my time in her room or talking to Kaoru. I didn't tell him about my vow, everything else yes, but not that. That was only between me and Asuka. Even so, the white haired pilot and I were fast becoming friends. It was strange that I could actually be... not actually happy when I was with him, but certainly better than I had been. Kaoru's smile and charm could not chase away all of the old demons, but he did help push them away.  
  
"You look like shit." Asuka greeted me with a smile. I couldn't help but smile back or try. It hurt too much really. Non-the-less I was glad that she was doing well. She wasn't exactly as she used to be and I don't think she'd ever be. Things like this change people and it changed Asuka. I just hoped it was for the better.  
  
"Maybe, You weren't looking so good yourself not so long ago."  
  
"Whatever, it's this hospital food. It's no better than Misato's. I swear I can't wait to get back home and have a real meal."  
  
"So you like my cooking?" the question was asked innocently. No ulterior motive evident.  
  
"Like I'm really going to answer that." The German girl responded, but I saw the look in her eyes, bring on another smile.  
  
We didn't say anything for awhile. I sat in the chair by her bed much like before and we looked at anything but each other. Eventually she asked the question.  
  
"So... how did it go?"  
  
"It... it went well." How was I supposed to answer that. I'm not my father, I'm not used to this kind of thing. "They are still alive." I said.  
  
She looked up at me confused for a second, then angry. All she asked was "Why?"  
  
"When my hands heal up, I'm going back again."  
  
Asuka didn't say anything after that for a long time. "Are you, I mean are they going to... torture them."  
  
"Probably. Father said he'd tell, me. There are some other things, but..." I cut myself off. She didn't need to know those things. Asuka may have been mad, but she's not sadistic. She didn't need to here what else father and I had planed.  
  
I could tell she knew there was something more, but she didn't ask and I wasn't going to tell. "Let's just say that, it isn't over."  
  
"What isn't over?" I didn't even hear anyone come in the room, but there stood Misato in the entry way. Her face was full of confusion, but all of that disappeared when she saw me. "Oh, my god. Shinji!" She all but crushed me to her, my ribs cried out in torture.  
  
"You're going to kill him if you don't stop Misato!"  
  
The lavender haired released me, only to immediately throw a barrage of questions my way. "Shinji are you alright? Where have you been? What happened to you? Do I need to call a doctor? Oh, god Shinji, don't you leave me too!"  
  
"I'm fine Misato. I... I just got in a fight on the way over." I look at her, she seemed to be on the brink of tears. 'She really cares. I thought... I thought she was just doing her job, but she really cares."  
  
"Oh, Shinji, Asuka. I've been so scared for you too. I don't want to lose you two. You're like the children I've never had." My commanding officer and guardian said all of this, sobbing the whole way. Asuka and I just looked at each other with similar stunned expressions on our faces. We never knew how she really felt. No one in our little dysfunction family really know how to express their feelings. It was no wonder why we got along so well while others just looked on us as if we were crazy just to stay around each other. We were all the same, lonely, needy and afraid, afraid of ourselves and the past, but at that moment, none of us cared. 


	6. consequences

/In Pain's Wake/

- lawless priest -

06 - Consequences

It had been a week. A week of hospital food, of Asuka's not so fiery rants and Misato's insistent mothering. Also, a week of hiding what had really happened from her and everyone else. The families of the boys had went to a lot of effort to search for the 'evil people who would dare to abduct their precious boys.'

Sometimes I would wonder about how they would react if they were told what happened to their children, about what their 'precious boys' had done. I wished I could be there when it happened, not to gloat or anything sick like that. I just wanted to know what would be going through their heads, just to see how precious they thought their boys were then.

Maybe that's wrong, I don't really know. Their families must be going through hard times, but they had to know something about who their kids were, about how they acted. I mean, their were family. They lived together, spent time together, had fun together, did all of the things that I could never do, together with those scum that rotted beneath Nerv HQ. Jealousy was not something I took part in, but it wasn't new to me either. When everyone around had something of a normal home life, while you barely had a home at all, it was no surprise for envy to rear it's ugly head.

Family.

It wasn't fair that they could have something so normal, so worthy as that, and still go about destroying lives without caring about how it would effect their victim's families. They had people who cared about them while many had none. Even with Misato stuck on my case the whole week I was still happy that she cared enough to worry about me and Asuka. I knew she was still hurt over what had happened and for some reason blamed herself.

Justice was in her grasp, but had slipped by her. The fact that the punks where still missing was no doubt throwing off plenty of alarms in her head. Kaji had reported that Section 2 had caught the men and had brought them in. He knew that they were the missing boys on the news. None of it was making any sense to them. She and the ex-spy made all kinds of inquires into the culprits arrest by Nerv's resident Men in Black, but they weren't talking. This could only mean that the Commander had something to do with it all, but they were stuck at a wall trying to figure out what.

Section 2 had found them... and section 2 had dealt with them. This did not sit well with the Major. Revenge is a personal thing. I knew that all too well and I knew that Misato believed that she had missed out on hers. It weighed on her how she couldn't prevent the pain and tragedy from befalling her adopted children and now this last incident served as a testament to her failure as a guardian. Too many affronts, too little justice. She would not let it go. She couldn't, it was something that she had to see through, something she had to do with her own hands. I understood, but I said nothing. It wasn't right. I didn't knew how she would take it and I didn't really want to found out.

There were times when Kaji and her would spend whole nights away trying to piece together the clues. It was still a surprised to see that he was still around. That night with the answering machine had assured me that I would never see him again, but sometime after the 15th angel's attack, he just showed up at the door, clothes and hair more rugged than usual, saying something about how he was giving up his search for the truth because he had found the truth. The truth was that he knew what he needed in life and he had let it slip away a long time ago. He wasn't going to let it happen again.

I didn't ask about any of it. It was too personal and too much of a relief to see him alive, but the events that soon came after shattered any relief I could have taken from his presence. But I had found my own relief and with my own hands I had taken back my mind from its quiet torturers. But like I had told Asuka that day, it wasn't over.

/IPW/

I was walking home in the rain, my thoughts were fixed on what I had just done, sparing no energy for the outside world. How could I be concerned about rain drenched clothes or the soggy bangs that blinded my vision and clogged my eyes with their slippery substance? It was all irrelevant. Only the agonizing screams in my head and the sound of father's voice telling the guards to commence their immoral work over the background of a once innocent child's sobs were of any affair to me at the time.

Asuka.

She had wanted to come this time. She could barely move, but she wanted to come with me and do it herself. I had refused and she had screamed at me for half an hour about how it was her right, that I owed her this much. Still, I refused. The pleading tears running down her angry face hadn't helped much, but I couldn't given in. She wasn't strong enough. Not physically and not mentally. Asuka didn't need to see what went on down in the dark recesses of the Geo-Front. Nerv had always had its secrets and this would just have to stay one of them.

Father had not told me what was planed, only to come at the appointed time. I almost didn't make it with Misato hounding me about how I was injured and shouldn't be moving around so much.

I knew she didn't believe me about my wounds, I could see it in her eyes. She was worried that something more had happened to me and that I was too afraid to tell her, but I assured her, numerous times, that that was not the case.

Even with her constant mothering I came when ever father had called. 'Only for this, only this.' It was one thing I wouldn't miss for anything except and Angel attack.

The agents at the gaits leading out into the world had greeted me with a nod, just like the ones who had lead me to the depths of Nerv's dungeons. I gave them the same, just like I did the others. It was always like that. They had known why I was there, they understood. One of them, a man named Murakami, had once told me that if he were in my situation he would have done the same.

He had no idea how much those brief words had meant to me, how much it had boosted it my frail courage. Even after everything that had happened, I still felt guilty over what I had done. It was the same as torturing prisoners of war. Yet, I doubt that POW'S usually raped fourteen your old girls who happened to be one of the only few people keeping their sick souls on this earth.

In the end it didn't matter. They would be paying for their crimes for a long time. Until the end if necessary. As long as I was alive, I would make them remember and I would make them pay. I knew that Asuka wouldn't be able to forget that horrible act, so why the hell should they. In blood and agony they would remember that there was justice in this world, no matter the fact that I had to sale my soul and give up my own innocence just to get. There was no way I would let Asuka end up like me, she had enough nightmares to deal with already.

"Pilot Ikari."

"Wha... ?"

A figure stood in front of me, with an umbrella above it's head. Cold piercing red eyes stared at me from under a mop of unruly sky blue hair. An angel with a soul, but without a heart.

"Rei? What are you doing out in this weather?" I asked her, ignoring the heavy droplets that fell from an uncaring sky. I wondered if god was there watching. I wondered if he approved.

"I have been waiting for you Ikari." She replied. She said it as if it meant nothing, as if it was a normal thing to do. Or maybe she didn't care, or like the other before her and didn't know how.

"Why Rei, why would you wait for me in the rain?"

"Because the Commander will not tell me what you two are up to. Because he does not trust me. Because... I wish to know?" That last part seemed a little uncertain. Why would Rei do this, and why wouldn't father tell her. She was, as Asuka always said, fathers favorite.

"If he hasn't told you why would I? Why should I?"

"I... I don't know." The blue haired girl paused, she seemed even more unsure. It was almost unnerving. Rei had always been sure. Her confidence was what helped me get as far as I had in the past. But of course, that was the old Rei, my Rei. This one didn't know anything.

We said nothing for awhile, just standing there in the rain, gazing at one another. She looked lost, but I didn't know if I wanted to help her. Why should I? She wasn't my Rei, she wasn't the person who had saved my life. She wasn't the almost broken girl I had held in my arms that day so long ago when the Third had attacked.

A vision of Asuka laying there, battered and torn swam before me. Asuka had done nothing but ridiculed me and put me down from the moment that we had met, yet I had given my innocence just the avenge her. Here before me stood a girl, lost and neglected just as much as my Rei before her. How could I leave her here? How could I 'not' help her as I had so wanted to help her other self?

I sighed. It was the sigh of a man who had the world on his shoulders and in a sense, I did. It was just like the sixteenth. I couldn't help her before when she needed me the most, I wouldn't leave her like this on her own to face the world alone again. I owed her that much and so much more.

"I'm not sure if I should tell you Rei. I'm not sure you should know, but if you really want to..." I sighed again. I couldn't help it. "I'll tell you Rei. I'll tell you everything."

The rain poured even harder from the heavens above. Apparently, god was watching, but he didn't approve.

/IPW/

It was very late, probably around one, and I was just getting home. Misato was going to be livid, but I would deal with it. I didn't really have much choice. When I opened the door there she was, sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me. I felt like a drowned rat just standing there.

My clothes had dried out some since my stay at Rei's. We had gone back to her place to talk so as to get out of the weather. She seemed to understand why I had done what I had done, but she took god's side and did not approve either. She said that justice couldn't be tainted by impure acts no matter how noble the intentions.

I understood her reasoning, but given the chance... I would have did it again, and again, and again, and again. The world was cloaked in too much darkness and it seemed that all noble acts had to be done in contaminated waters.

"So, where were you?" The lavender haired Major got strait to the point.

"I was at Ayanami's. She asked me to come over." Keeping it simple seemed like the best plan.

"And why would she do that? She's not the most out going person around, if she's even a person?"

"She is Misato! She can't help who she is. She as much a person as you and me." How could she say that? Even with what we saw, Rei was still Rei.

"And so are the men you've been torturing all week. Shinji!"

The apartment was silent. Not a word was said for some time. She knew. How could she know.? It didn't matter. It couldn't change anything.

"You're wrong. They aren't people any more. They gave that up the day they did what they did to Asuka. And why would you take their side? They don't deserve any type of sympathy."

"Sympathy? Why in the hell would I give them sympathy? They raped my little girl damnit!" I could see the fury in her eyes. She wanted to be there. She wanted to be the one doing what I had done. I could hear it in her voice every time she spoke. Just like Asuka.

"So why are you screaming at me? You should be thanking me!"

"Thanking you? Damnit Shinji, don't you know you could be arrested for this? Shit, you could spend the rest of you life in prison. That's why I'm yelling at you. You shouldn't have been involved in this from the beginning"

"Oh, but you should have. They would have done the same to you Misato! I'm an Eva pilot, they still need me. Until the last angel is killed, I'm the only thing saving their asses."

"If you think that will stop them. Those punks maybe scum, but they are rich scum. Their families will do anything to get them back. It's not just about right and wrong, this is a matter of family honor and their reputation. This is about revenge. Don't you get it Shinji, they'll bloody crucify you!"

"You're the one who doesn't get it Misato. I don't care what they do to me, as long as they pay in full for what they did, then their families can shoot me for all I care. Revenge! They don't have the right to even dream about revenge! Not after what their sons did. Who cares about their Honor!"

"NO!" She cried with tears in her eyes.

"NO! I won't lose you again Shinji, I've come so close to losing you so many times before. I won't let you damn yourself."

The tears were flowing freely now and she made no move to hide them as she slowly slid to the floor.

I sighed.

No matter what I did, no matter who I saved, I always ended up hurting someone. Is pain so much a part of life that every act of goodness is immediately counteracted with an equal amount of evil or worse? Why can't it all end? I didn't get it then and I don't get it now. There had to be more to life than this. There had to be.


	7. punishment

/In Pain's Wake/

lawless priest -

07 - Punishment

It was six thirty in the morning when I got the call. It was here, the last, the seventeenth Angel. I remember thinking 'Finally, I could end it all.' I don't remember much about that time except that I was wide awake when the phone rang. Misato had cried long into the night and I spent ever hour holding her while she bawled her soul. Only god can tell you what was said that night because it's all a blur to me and considering how many beers Misato had had, I seriously doubt she'd be recounting anything from that time. It was a miracle we were even able to reach the Geo-Front without the car ending up crashed into some store front, of what little remaining stores we had.

Non the less we did make it and I was already in my plug suit and heading for the EVA cages by the time the commanders had figured out what we were dealing with.

Kaoru, they said. Karou was the Seventh Angel.

He was the last and I couldn't believe it, I didn't believe it, but I knew that I wouldn't find out just sitting around in my entry plug. Besides, Asuka would have kicked my ass if she knew that I had done nothing to stop him after we had all come so far and lost so much.

Making it to the shaft that my friend, one of the few, had taken, I barely acknowledged the commands that were being tossed my way. My whole body was numb and my mind was in a haze, obscuring the world around me, while painting everything in blank and grays as level upon level of the Geo-Front pass by my freefalling EVA's view screen.

It was his voice that brought me back, the voice that had comforted me when I thought that there was nothing left for me in this world. How could that sweet voice be the same one as the enemies. It didn't make sense. Kaoru was human, he couldn't be an angel. It just wasn't possible. - which had to be the dumbest thing I could have possibly have thought, considering Ayanami. But still, my shocked brain couldn't or wouldn't acknowledged it.

"You're late Shinji."

He still had that smile on as he stood floating above the crimson giant, Unit 02. That sad grin that always seemed permeated on his eternally happy face, seemed so out of place in our current situation. I couldn't figure any of it out.

"Why, Kaoru, why? Why are you doing this? How can you be the enemy?" I shook the cockpit controls as I screamed in an attempt to somehow project my aguish through the strangling grip I held them with into my Bio-mechanical and out towards the Angelci messenger floating above the two EVAs.

He just kept smiling that same damn smile, "It is our destiny to be adversaries Shinji. We have no say in the matter."

"No! That's not true."

"Ah, but it is. Angels were created to serve and Man was created to follow, yet only yours had the choice whether to obey or not."

"What are you talking about?"

"It's ironic, I'm am the Seventeenth, the Angel of free will and yet, even I have to follow the path destiny has chosen for me. That which was born from Adam, must return to Adam. Such it is the way with us."

Betrayed

I had been betrayed by the one I had called friend. He had listened to me as I confided in him my darkest fears. He had even told me once that... that he loved me. I didn't know what to say to that then and I have no idea what to think now.

Kaoru didn't give me time to think. I was a fly in his way and he tried to use his recently confiscated 40 foot crimson fly swatter to deal with me. Two huge vibrating knives clanged against each other, protecting their wielders from the others intended assault.

My blood began to pound in my head as some dark string music began to play in the back of my mind. My own little symphony orchestra playing the last song to the tragic movie that was my life. Our EVAs danced the beat of those instruments as blows were exchanged, acting out some fight scene that would make any manga mecha fan proud.

Through it all my mind was blank. No thought could penetrate my fog. It was almost like I had been hooked up to the dummy plug system as I let out my frustration on the enemy EVA.

We struggled for sometime, the music continuing on in the background, setting the mood for the demise of one of the two Angel slaying behemoths.

Kaoru just floated below us, watching since the start of the fight. He was my true enemy. The other was irrelevant. So I pushed it out of the way and lunged for him. I would end this one way or another.

But that was not to be.

A boy of fourteen floated in a shield behind a field of orange. That ever present smile looked almost mockingly at the purple demon before him.

An AT field. Before I could raise my own Asuka's precious Unit 2 slammed into me, knocking me away from him and into the shaft's wall.

When I was able to shake the stars out of my had and turn around the red EVA was right above me, piosed and ready with its prog knife to stab me in between the eyes. I don't even remember dodging, but apparently I must have, leaving Asuka's EVA to crash into the wall shaft behind me. I lifted my leg and kicked out at the mecha and succeeded in sending it crashing into the opposite wall.

Wasting no time, I proceeded to stomped the life out of the lifeless husk. An oxymoron, I know, but that's what happened.

By then I had noticed that Kaoru had been missing for some time, but we were just reaching the bottom level so he couldn't be far.

The Strings were rising to their climax, the mood dark, their rhythm heavy and straining with urgency, calling out for the final Act. Soon it would all be over. For one of us this would end forever.

A part of me wanted to be the one who lost. But it was a small part. Too much had happened for me to give in to the darkness now. I held no hope for the light and its much talked about glory, but the gray called to me. That endless void that stood between the two. That was were I had always stood. Right on the edge of happiness and right at the gates misery.

Kaoru... My friend, my betrayer, my enemy.

He floated above a huge figure of white. It was another angel, here beneath Nerv! This most be what Kaji was talking about so long ago that day when we fought the 14th.

'It is said that if an angel comes in contact with Adam, who sleeps beneath us, it will be the end of the world, Third Impact.'

This was it, this was the first, this was Adam. It had to be?

"Kaoru!"

He was too close, I couldn't let him touch it. I made my EVA move. There was no time to waste if I wanted to stop him.

"What, Lilth? I see... A clever trick, Ikari." I barely heard him over my pounding heart but the gain on the external speakers picked it up. I didn't really care for what he was saying though. It didn't matter. Nothing matter except for me reaching him.

"So this is how it ends." He was saying. "I'm afraid this is the end of the line ... for me."

He didn't even offer any resistance as I reached to grab him, snagging him out of the air AT Field of no AT Field. For a second or two there was silence as my EVA held the pale haired fourteen year old seeming young boy who I had called friend, who because of cercumstances that really sucked I now called foe.

But someone had to start the final current call, yet I was still reluctant to do what I knew had to be done.

"Shinji it's over. I thought that I could hold off Adam's call for a little while longer, but that was not to be. All things come to an end and it seems I have run to the end of my own line."

"No, it shouldn't be like this! You called me your friend. You said... you said that... that you loved me... was it all just a lie so you could get closer."

"No Shinji. I meant every word I said, every word. But this was fate. You and I were destined to come to this point, so we should not be sad that it has finally come to this moment."

"Why, why Kaoru? WHY!"

There was only silence. His smile was just as sad as before while he kept his deep red sorrowful eyes on me.

... I could have sworn he shrugged. I must have been losing it.

"You could have stopped, you could have left. It would have been better that this, anything would have been better than this." My voice sounded shrill too me as I yelled out possibilities. As if he could have really run away. He was a bloody Angel for god's sake. Where would he go, what would he do,

"I'm sorry Shinji, but this is how has to be. One of our speices has to die and yours is not the one that should fall this way."

I shook my head and so did my EVA's. I would not, could not do what he asked. It was impossible to even conceive it.

"Do it Shinji. This war has to end and you have to end it. Please, let us end it." The Angel pleaded with me, his voice held a tired quality of one who had reach a great distance, one he had not wished to reach and now wanted only to found a place to rest. He was offering me a chance to do what I had been charged to do the moment I first stepped into the cockpit that faithful day so long ago to protect a girl I had never known, who even now I still knew very little about.

I had dreamed of this day when the final stroke could be made, when all of my enemies would lay at my feet and there would be no more need for EVA, for the pain, for the death and the destruction. Here was my chance, here was the oppertunity... and yet I had no will to even think of finishing it.

"Do it Shinji. Or none of the pain the world has suffered would have been worth it."

"..."

It was just an illusion, just a dream, a figment of my imagination. I wouldn't really hold my friend up like that with my EVA, no that's just foolish. And of course I would never squeeze my EVA's hand like that, no never. So it stands to reason that the insides of my friend's body would not be plastered all over my mecha's hand and my friend's head would never have fallen into the bloody waters at the foot of the the pure white beast strung up before me.

But the image of Toji's mangled body flashed through my vision for the briefest of seconds, barely any time at all, but the damage had been done. I had prayed that that had been just an illuision too. But the truth could not be denied. This... was all too real.

I was the one who wasn't really anymore, I was the illusion.

My internal symphany hit its last note, their strings falling silent in the empty room. The Finale had come and gone, the audioence had long since exited their seats and now no one was left but the lonely conductor and his baton.

"This must be punishment"


End file.
